In Which I Meet Gretchen Rubin

I got to meet another one of my rockstar writers! Gretchen Rubin, who writes about happiness, habits, and human nature was at an event Wednesday night put on by the same healthcare organization that brought organizer Peter Walsh (here) and gratitude guru Janice Kaplan (here) to Louisville. 

I have been following Ms. Rubin and her blog and her books for the past ten years. I remember being laid up after surgery in 2007 and messing about online looking for help with de-cluttering, simple living, etc. Her blog The Happiness Project with its cheerful blue bird popped up and I have been a fan ever since. 

I have read and written before about her books The Happiness Project (here and here), Happier at Home (here), and Better Than Before (here).

I got to meet Ms. Rubin. I'll call her Gretchen now that we are best of friends. She was sitting next to me in the front row so I introduced myself and welcomed her to Louisville. She was very gracious and gave a terrific talk on her new book The Four Tendencies.

If you aren't familiar with The Four Tendencies, it is the culmination of her research on how people respond to expectations — inner or outer. You could be an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel.

I knew even before I took her quiz that, like Gretchen, I am an Upholder. My motto, therefore, is "Discipline is my freedom." 

Upholders respond to both inner and outer expectations which means I can complete my own ToDo List and also meet deadlines set by others. We are a small group, she says. Our weaknesses?  Upholders sometimes get locked into their schedules, may seem rigid and judgmental to others, and struggle with fluid situations. This is so me!

Questioners find it easier to meet their own expectations while needing to be convinced to meet yours: "If you convince me I need to do something, then I will comply" is their reasoning. Questioners can seem stubborn and insubordinate, but it's only because, well,  they question everything.

On the other hand, Obligers respond well to outer expectations. If you are an Obliger, you work best when held accountable. If you want to read more, then joining a book club will help. Or you might try making plans to meet a friend to walk three times a week. "You can count on me and I'm counting on you to count on me" is the Obliger's rallying cry. The problem Obligers face is they can suddenly explode with anger if they feel they are being taken advantage of...which of course they are, Gretchen says. Employers of Obligers need to watch for and head off over-commitment and over-work that Obligers are famous for.

Rebels know what they want, go for it, and ignore convention. They are the spirit of resistance. A Rebel's motto is "You can't make me and neither can I." Oddly enough, Gretchen says, Rebels are attracted to high-structure jobs — the military or police — as the regulations give them something to push against. 

Understanding your own tendency in meeting expectations can help you show compassion for yourself, she says. Know that there is nothing wrong with you. Understanding how others meet expectations helps us realize that we are all different and that we can take into account another's perspective. 

After the presentation, I asked her how as an Upholder with a big dollop of Rebel, I could let that Rebel have a little more room to play. She suggested that I schedule time to wander, to explore, to daydream. If it's on my calendar, I will do it. 

What about you? Are you an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel? You can take her quiz Here. Let me know in the comments how you fared and if you agree with the results.

Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives by Gretchen Rubin

Our habits - the things we do routinely, without much thought - are what make up much of our days. Those habits can be good for us - eat your vegetables, walk 20 minutes, get up early. Or, they can be bad for us - eating too much sugar, sittingsittingsitting, getting too little or too much sleep.

As someone who thrives on structure and routine, I was interested to read what Happiness Guru Gretchen Rubin had to say in her latest book Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives. She doesn't presume to tell us what habits to develop, but gives strategies on how to start a new habit (or stop an outdated one as the case may be) and to keep pushing on past the stumbling blocks that will inevitably litter our path.

As is her way, the blogger and author of The Happiness Project and Happier at Home (I wrote about those books here, here and here), does a ton of research but instead of blinding us with science and statistics, digests what she learns and applies it to herself. Her books are full of her own and others' experiments with happiness and habits.

Because she believes self-knowledge is key to any change, she offers a quiz for the reader to determine what Tendencies she or he has and how that Tendency might best determine strategies for staying motivated.

It turns out that I am an Upholder (I am attracted to the predictability of schedules and the satisfaction of crossing items off to-do lists) with strong leanings toward Questioner (I will do something or make a change if I think it makes sense).

Once you know your Tendency (the other two are Obliger and Rebel) she lays out a variety of strategies to get your habit put into place. 

The entire time I was reading the book, I was aware of one habit I wanted to begin and one I wanted to quit. The first is to get back to walking. I was on a roll for a long time and then bad weather and a sore knee took me down. 

As an Upholder, the key for me in re-developing this good habit is monitoring (keeping a walking diary), scheduling (the days I will walk and the time), convenience (walk in the neighborhood), and pairing (couple my walk with something else that I enjoy - listening to music, podcast, or audio book).

The habit I want to give up is the inordinate attachment to my smart phone. I have slowly added more and more time-guzzling apps - Flipboard, Huffington Post, The Guardian, and four or five local news sites. And then there is the game Word Mix. I use the excuse that it is keeping my brain sharp but not after playing it for an hour! 

Alas, I have become the person I never wanted to be: someone constantly looking at a screen. 

Here are the strategies Ms. Rubin suggests that I use to break this attachment. First, I could just delete all the apps and go cold turkey (Abstaining). Or I could delete one site a week until I get down to one or two of my absolute favorites (Moderating). I could leave my phone in another room (Inconvenient) so I have to deliberately get up to use it. I could tell myself to "wait fifteen minutes" (Distraction) when I feel the impulse to grab my phone and play Word Mix or check the headlines to see what new catastrophe has occurred. 

If you are thinking about adopting better habits in the new year - or beginning a change right now - you can't go wrong with Ms. Rubin as your coach. 

A caveat: I do wish I had read this in paper book form instead of on my Kindle as I kept wanting to refer to previous sections and that is difficult to do with an e-book. One can, however, easily highlight sections that settle in the Notes screen, but it is not quite the same.

Anyway, if you were going to embrace a good habit or jettison a bad one, what would that habit be?  Come on. You know you want to tell me...

Happier at Home

Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin is the latest book I read on my Nook. I conveniently downloaded it from the library. I recently read Ms. Rubin's The Happiness Project (here) and wanted to see what resolutions for happiness she was embracing. 

(Oh dear, I see that I read THP in January. Does that count as 'recently'?)

In this newest book, Ms. Rubin spends the nine months of the school year trying out resolutions to make life about the house - or in her case a Manhattan apartment - happier. Three chapters had to do with marriage, family, and parenthood and I didn't really read those. But her resolutions for September/Possessions, January/Time, and February/Body interested me.

In September, two of her resolutions were Cultivate a Shrine and Go Shelf by Shelf. Her idea of a shrine in not a religious one but a gathering of items that enshrined her passions, interests, and values.  In her case that meant having photographs framed and displayed in a prominent position and objects gathered that reminded her of beloved family members. She made her office a Shrine to Work by de-cluttering papers and office supplies and adding painted wisteria vines to her office's bare walls.

Also in September, by going shelf by shelf, drawer by drawer, then closet by closet she considered her possessions, found the things that were in the wrong place and moved them to the right place, and worked her way through her clothes closet.

I love reading about someone's efforts made to simplify and organize and get rid of clutter.

In January she strove to Cram the Day with What I Love (I so try to do this!), and in February one of her resolutions was Embrace Good Smells. 

To me, one of the many benefits of getting a facial every other month is experiencing the wonderful scents of the products that the clinician uses. Ahhhh. After my last visit, I brought home a small bottle of lavender scented oil and one of peppermint. I inhale the lavender scent before bed each night as it fosters relaxation. The peppermint energizes and I enjoy that scent in the mornings. Sometimes I even go a bit crazy and mix the two in the palms of my hands and just breathe.

Ms. Rubin mentions an on-line store, Demeter Fragrance, which sells scents such as Hay, Laundromat, Frozen Pond, and Bamboo. I can barely wait to see what it has to offer. 

As always, Ms. Rubin writes in an accessible style and I appreciate her honesty when some of her resolutions don't prove to work out. And her efforts make me aware of ways I already am Happier at Home. Or should I say Happiest at Home.