In Which I Meet Gretchen Rubin

I got to meet another one of my rockstar writers! Gretchen Rubin, who writes about happiness, habits, and human nature was at an event Wednesday night put on by the same healthcare organization that brought organizer Peter Walsh (here) and gratitude guru Janice Kaplan (here) to Louisville. 

I have been following Ms. Rubin and her blog and her books for the past ten years. I remember being laid up after surgery in 2007 and messing about online looking for help with de-cluttering, simple living, etc. Her blog The Happiness Project with its cheerful blue bird popped up and I have been a fan ever since. 

I have read and written before about her books The Happiness Project (here and here), Happier at Home (here), and Better Than Before (here).

I got to meet Ms. Rubin. I'll call her Gretchen now that we are best of friends. She was sitting next to me in the front row so I introduced myself and welcomed her to Louisville. She was very gracious and gave a terrific talk on her new book The Four Tendencies.

If you aren't familiar with The Four Tendencies, it is the culmination of her research on how people respond to expectations — inner or outer. You could be an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel.

I knew even before I took her quiz that, like Gretchen, I am an Upholder. My motto, therefore, is "Discipline is my freedom." 

Upholders respond to both inner and outer expectations which means I can complete my own ToDo List and also meet deadlines set by others. We are a small group, she says. Our weaknesses?  Upholders sometimes get locked into their schedules, may seem rigid and judgmental to others, and struggle with fluid situations. This is so me!

Questioners find it easier to meet their own expectations while needing to be convinced to meet yours: "If you convince me I need to do something, then I will comply" is their reasoning. Questioners can seem stubborn and insubordinate, but it's only because, well,  they question everything.

On the other hand, Obligers respond well to outer expectations. If you are an Obliger, you work best when held accountable. If you want to read more, then joining a book club will help. Or you might try making plans to meet a friend to walk three times a week. "You can count on me and I'm counting on you to count on me" is the Obliger's rallying cry. The problem Obligers face is they can suddenly explode with anger if they feel they are being taken advantage of...which of course they are, Gretchen says. Employers of Obligers need to watch for and head off over-commitment and over-work that Obligers are famous for.

Rebels know what they want, go for it, and ignore convention. They are the spirit of resistance. A Rebel's motto is "You can't make me and neither can I." Oddly enough, Gretchen says, Rebels are attracted to high-structure jobs — the military or police — as the regulations give them something to push against. 

Understanding your own tendency in meeting expectations can help you show compassion for yourself, she says. Know that there is nothing wrong with you. Understanding how others meet expectations helps us realize that we are all different and that we can take into account another's perspective. 

After the presentation, I asked her how as an Upholder with a big dollop of Rebel, I could let that Rebel have a little more room to play. She suggested that I schedule time to wander, to explore, to daydream. If it's on my calendar, I will do it. 

What about you? Are you an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel? You can take her quiz Here. Let me know in the comments how you fared and if you agree with the results.

Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives by Gretchen Rubin

Our habits - the things we do routinely, without much thought - are what make up much of our days. Those habits can be good for us - eat your vegetables, walk 20 minutes, get up early. Or, they can be bad for us - eating too much sugar, sittingsittingsitting, getting too little or too much sleep.

As someone who thrives on structure and routine, I was interested to read what Happiness Guru Gretchen Rubin had to say in her latest book Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives. She doesn't presume to tell us what habits to develop, but gives strategies on how to start a new habit (or stop an outdated one as the case may be) and to keep pushing on past the stumbling blocks that will inevitably litter our path.

As is her way, the blogger and author of The Happiness Project and Happier at Home (I wrote about those books here, here and here), does a ton of research but instead of blinding us with science and statistics, digests what she learns and applies it to herself. Her books are full of her own and others' experiments with happiness and habits.

Because she believes self-knowledge is key to any change, she offers a quiz for the reader to determine what Tendencies she or he has and how that Tendency might best determine strategies for staying motivated.

It turns out that I am an Upholder (I am attracted to the predictability of schedules and the satisfaction of crossing items off to-do lists) with strong leanings toward Questioner (I will do something or make a change if I think it makes sense).

Once you know your Tendency (the other two are Obliger and Rebel) she lays out a variety of strategies to get your habit put into place. 

The entire time I was reading the book, I was aware of one habit I wanted to begin and one I wanted to quit. The first is to get back to walking. I was on a roll for a long time and then bad weather and a sore knee took me down. 

As an Upholder, the key for me in re-developing this good habit is monitoring (keeping a walking diary), scheduling (the days I will walk and the time), convenience (walk in the neighborhood), and pairing (couple my walk with something else that I enjoy - listening to music, podcast, or audio book).

The habit I want to give up is the inordinate attachment to my smart phone. I have slowly added more and more time-guzzling apps - Flipboard, Huffington Post, The Guardian, and four or five local news sites. And then there is the game Word Mix. I use the excuse that it is keeping my brain sharp but not after playing it for an hour! 

Alas, I have become the person I never wanted to be: someone constantly looking at a screen. 

Here are the strategies Ms. Rubin suggests that I use to break this attachment. First, I could just delete all the apps and go cold turkey (Abstaining). Or I could delete one site a week until I get down to one or two of my absolute favorites (Moderating). I could leave my phone in another room (Inconvenient) so I have to deliberately get up to use it. I could tell myself to "wait fifteen minutes" (Distraction) when I feel the impulse to grab my phone and play Word Mix or check the headlines to see what new catastrophe has occurred. 

If you are thinking about adopting better habits in the new year - or beginning a change right now - you can't go wrong with Ms. Rubin as your coach. 

A caveat: I do wish I had read this in paper book form instead of on my Kindle as I kept wanting to refer to previous sections and that is difficult to do with an e-book. One can, however, easily highlight sections that settle in the Notes screen, but it is not quite the same.

Anyway, if you were going to embrace a good habit or jettison a bad one, what would that habit be?  Come on. You know you want to tell me...

Taking Childhood Reading in Hand

Illustration by Kate Greenaway

Since my post the other day on the pitiful state of my reading during childhood, I decided to make a more concerted effort to catch up. So between now and the end of the year I will read 10 books that come from the lists of classics for kids.

I found a lovely used hardback copy of Winnie-the-Pooh on the Grand Southern Literary Tour and although I have read it, I will start with Winnie and the crew and work my way through a list of my own devising.

I know for sure I want to read Anne of Green Gables. (I had a copy that got water damaged in a storage box before I ever got around to reading it.) And I have never read any of the Little House on the Prairie books.

I know that Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, is a big fan of children's literature and even started a book club devoted to the genre...if is a genre.

Maybe the reason I don't read much fiction is because I was not exposed to it so much as a child so I don't have that 'tell me a story' yearning.

If anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I am not interested in vampires or any of the newer politically correct books. I just want a good, old-fashioned read.

Money, Eternity, and Books

Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project has really gotten me thinking about what activities and actions add to my happiness.

July - We have gone through money: Indulge in a modest splurge; buy needful things; spend out; and, give something up.

August - We have contemplated the heavens: Read memoirs of catastrophe; keep a gratitude journal; and, imitate a spiritual master/teacher.

September - Today we pursued a passion: Write a novel; make time; forget about results; and, master a new technology.

I am with her on the money. I do occasionally splurge - I bought myself an espresso maker for Christmas; I try to keep supplies of what I always use - toilet paper, toothpaste, shampoo -- on hand; I took a friend to lunch today; I gave up buying stationery...well, mostly.

As to the heavens, I do not read misery lit or memoirs of devastating disease or death; I keep a gratitude journal in my heart; and, my spiritual teachers are writers on nature - the turning of the seasons, the beauty of the landscape, the joys of gardens, forests, and oceans.

Rubin's passion has to do with books and writing. Mine too. No argument there, but I don't have a desire to write a novel in 30 days as she did. I do, however, like the idea of commiting to some activity every day for a month. Sketching, reading poetry, or taking a walk outside. The feeling of accomplishment brings happiness.

I do make time to do something every day that I enjoy. I have a bit of trouble though in letting go of results. Like this blog. Even though I don't promote it, yet, I still hope to see a comment by someone who has stumbled on Belle, Book, and Candle. And it seems as if every day there is a new technological puzzle to solve.

I find it inspiring to read what steps Rubin has taken to enhance her happiness, to see if they have worked, and to see how many activities we have in common. I doubt if I would get as much satisfaction from someone who has, let's say, more active activities - mountain climbing, scuba diving, marathoning. Although those narratives can be inspirational, I am just not someone who is going to look to such recreations to bring me happiness.

The Happiness Project

I don't know what has taken me so long to get this book. I have followed Gretchen Rubin's blog "The Happiness Project" for some time now. I almost bought the book a couple of times but something stopped me. I guess I just wasn't in the market for a project.

But here it is, the beginning of a new year, and I see by skimming the table of contents that Rubin has a different happiness goal for each month. January's goal is Boost Energy with five actions to incorporate to achieve that: go to sleep earlier; exercise better; toss, restore, organize; tackle a nagging task; and, act more energetic.

I think my five things would be: Quit eating processed snacks; walk; go to sleep earlier (which I have been doing even before getting this book); continue yoga in the mornings; and, do it now.

I have only read the Getting Started chapter. I like her ideas already. One does not have to be depressed to want to be happy. Her thesis is that it is possible to make ourselves happier. She adopts the definition of happiness as "I know it when I see it."

I am looking forward to seeing it.

Happiness in the Snow

Killed off "Killed at the Whim of a Hat." All three mysteries got solved. Of the almost 400 pages - don't be daunted, it flies along - I am not sure how many actually concerned the mysteries. There were many rambling little anecdotes which is fine because Cotterill is quite a funny writer. And his characters are a hoot. I wish I was someone who marked in books - I Am Not - because then I could share with you some of his lines. You will just have to discover them yourself.

We had our first snow. Well, let me just say it snowed. And then it stopped. But the temperature dropped 20 degrees in three hours. So of course I had to swerve by the library and see what I could find to keep me warm.

I have many books on my shelves, and I don't know about you, but I like to keep them in reserve just in case I should get snowed in for a month (not gonna happen...I live in the South, but still...). And then there is always the Nook.

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin was on hold for me and I found a book on drawing with colored pencils...a nice fireside activity. I browsed around the new mysteries but didn't find anything that piqued my interest.

I checked out the Rubin book and on my way out I spotted the drawing book on display and went back to the desk. I told the librarian, "I promise I will leave now." He said, "Take your time. Browse. It's all free."

I agreed with a laugh. It's all free. I love that.